HOW TO GET OVER A BOYFRIEND/GIRLFRIEND IN THE BEST WAY. (PREFERABLY WITHOUT MAIMING THEM OR CUTTING THEIR GENITALS OFF.)
September 20, 2010 § 2 Comments
Was talking to my friend online and apparently, she’s all OMG MY BOYFRIEND LEFT ME TODAY WHAT SHOULD I BE FEELING I’M SO LOST AND UPSET WTF KILL ME NOW FMLFMLFML.
So, since I’m extremely good at handling these kinda stuff AND TO PROVE THAT I CAN BE QUALIFIED PSYCHOANALYST, I SHALL WRITE A BLOGPOST TO PROVE IT!! HAHAHAHA. Also, to entertain myself and my sparse amount of readers!!
When you breakup with that fucker you once called a bf/gf (gonna start using this term!), you go through 5 stages!
Denial : OMG WHY DID HE/SHE LEAVE ME?!?! ;______; I’M SO LONELY OMG I’M GONNA LIVE MY LIFE SINGLE WITH MY APARTMENT FILLED WITH SMELLY CATS. And then, I’LL DIE ALONE AND NOBODY WILL CARE FML FML FML.
Sadness : My life suckzxzx! )))): I feel like I’m in some shitty pop MV where everybody’s so depressed!
For Guys : BABY BABY BABY OH~ THOUGHT YOU’D ALWAYS MEEE MINEEE > Cue Bieber song.
For Girls : TEARDROPPPPSSSS ON MY GUITAAARRR SHOOTINGGG STARRR > Cue Swift song.
As you can tell, the Sadness stage is one of the most fucking pathetic stages because nobody listens to good music like Destiny Child’s – Survivor (YOU THOUGHT I’D BE POOR WITHOUT YOU, SOLD 9 MILLION!!) and instead, choose to listen to shitty lesbian-lookalike guys or, a fucking deluded girl in a white dress (GURL HE’LL NEVER CHOOSE YOU OVER A HOT CHEERLEADER CHICK.)
Desperation, : MAYBE… IF I GIVE HER AN ORGASM / ENLARGE MY BOOBS, SHE/HE’LL TAKE ME BACK AND THEN WE’LL BE HAPPY AGAIN.
This is POSSIBLY THE MOST FUCKING DUMB STAGE ANYBODY CAN GO THROUGH IN A BREAKUP. Firstly, you’ll look hella desperate and pathetic. Let’s put it this way, imagine yourself on your knees and PRACTICALLY BEGGING YOUR PARTNER TO TAKE YOU BACK. And secondly, if your partner is UNHAPPY ENOUGH to break up with you, the chances of him/her taking you back are the chances of Adam Lambert liking pussy.
Anger : AIYA THEY CAN FUCKING GO TO HELL FOR ALL I CARE. AND GET AN STD WHERE THEIR GENITALS WILL ROT OFF THANKS TO HERPES.
This is MY FAVOURITE STAGE EVER. Because, I am a STRONG BELIEVER that to get over relationship problems, you need to vent out EVERYTHING you hate bout your partner. Yes, every little nitty-gritty detail or even mundane ones you can’t bear to stand! :D
Feel compelled to talk trash bout your ex on your twitter/blog AND FEEL MOTHERFUCKING FREE TO LET GO! Talk bout his incredibly small penis, her tendency to clog the drain with her hair OR OTHER SUCH GROSS FACTS! 8DDD But for one thing, DO NOT FEEL GUILTY. He/She’s probably thrashing you in front of their friends as you know it! 8DDD
Acceptance : Aiya, fuck it lah, I’ll move on! Not as if I’m fucking ugly anyways.
Congrats random boy/girl! Your heart has officially pieced itself back again AND YOU’RE FREE TO PURSUIT THE PERSON OF YOUR CHOICE! 8DDDD Unless you look like an ahbeng/xmm but then again, both species of human can cross-breed and give birth to incredibly fugly kids! :DDD And don’t worry, as fucking cliche as it sounds, time heals all wounds~
So to conclude this entry and wrap it short, you have 2 options to get over ex’s.
1) Get vehemently angry and flame them on your blog. (Whilst cursing them to fuck a foreign worker who has AID or some genital-rotting disease) Derive pleasure from seeing them writhe in intense pain and agony before finding peace and closure. And possibly a new mad chio wardrobe of clothes to heal the scars. 8D/
2) Be a fucking hippy and be all OH I SHOULDN’T INDULGE IN THE MISERY OF OTHERS BECAUSE IT AFFECTS MY SPIRITUAL AND MENTAL WELLBEING. MY ANGER AND FRUSTRATION CAN BE CHANNELED TO HELP OTHERS AND I CAN PRETEND THAT THE WHOLE THING NEVER HAPPENED.
Yeah fucking right, everybody knows the right way to roll! ;)